Let’s keep the Dumbfuckery to a minimum today.
I hate when I’m at work and I suddenly lose my will to live.
Pretending I’m a pleasant person all day is exhausting.
When you drive home and then realize you zoned out the entire time, so you are trying to figure out how you are still alive.
I hope the bus you threw me under swerves to hit you on the sidewalk.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly. But saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My fondest childhood memory is not having to spend 40 hours a week with people who make me feel angry and tired so that I can afford to buy paper towels and laundry detergent.
I may need to extend my lunch break into not working here anymore.
“Per my last email” is office speak for “Bitch, can you read?”
I hope when I die, it’s early in the morning so I don’t go to work that day for no reason.
The lady at Walmart couldn’t scan my item and just looked at me and said, “Just take it. I hate this fucking place.”
I may shake things up at the office today by being in a good mood.
My job provides me with health insurance…and ulcers, anxiety and depression.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Every time things get rough at work, I hear DMX singing “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.”
Friend: How many people work at your company? Me: About half of them.
No. Skinny girls shouldn’t be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.
Alexa – knock the power out at work.
“Let me call you right back.” Translation – “Enjoy the rest of your day.”
Sorry, Boss. You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test. It can’t be both.
I thought as an adult I wouldn’t need to sing the Alphabet Song when alphabetizing, but yet, here we are.
Coworker: Good Morning! Me: Who hired this bitch?
How to be a grown up at work: Replace “Fuck you!” with “OK, great.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but waiting 8 hours to go home is bullshit.
I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Do I love my job? No. But does it afford me the ability to go on lavish vacations and buy anything I want? Also, no.
I’ve been at work less than 30 minutes and already I am using the word, Fuck, like a comma.
Boss: Good Morning! Me: You need to calm the fuck down.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, especially since his name is Steve.
I’m going to eat whatever I want tonight because I cried at work today.
Did You Know: If you text your boss “Go fuck yourself”, you don’t have to go to work anymore.
When you try your hardest not to be a fucker, but everyone you deal with is a fucker, so you end up being a bigger fucker just to out fuck the fuckers.
I’m not the type of person you should put on speakerphone.
“What a fucking week!” – Me, in the middle of Tuesday.
I wake up every morning and quit my job, then I get ready for work.
I need one of those Kardashian jobs where they pay me to exist.
Have a great week!